Category: Family

An adopted child is likely to be raised properly if realistic motives have encouraged adoptive parents to adopt someone else’s child. There are people who adopt a child for some neurotic cause, because of dissatisfaction in marriage and because of disappointment in life. In this case, there is a danger that the adoptive parents will treat the child in the wrong way. They most often pamper it, seeking in the sentimental behavior towards it a certain satisfaction for their unsatisfied emotionality.

Excessive pampering and indulgence towards the adopted child are what married couples are prone to. After many years of waiting for a child, they decided to adopt someone else’s child. Then they bring into their emotional attitude towards it all their sorrow that they do not have their own child. They turn it into a painful sentimentality towards that substitute for a real descendant.

Most adopted children lived in an orphanage before adoption. If a child has spent a long time in an institution, it will come to adoptive parents with a whole range of psychological impairments. Adoptive parents are then given the opportunity to influence the shaping of the young person in a positive way from the beginning.

Adopting parents who expect a child to show great success in life and are resentful towards it because it has limited intellectual abilities is one of the most common causes of childhood neuroticism. In such a case, the child will develop a whole series of emotional difficulties that will lead to its already inferior intelligence being grafted on top of it.

Most adoptive parents who have adopted a child in their earliest childhood deny his or her background. They are constantly postponing the moment when they will tell the child the truth. The older it gets, the harder it becomes for them to reveal the secret of its origins. It is impossible to hide from the environment that the child has been adopted.

If it is an older child or young man, or a young woman in puberty, the knowledge that it has been adopted will shake it deeply. The negative reaction to such knowledge will be the stronger the less intimate the emotional relationship between the child and the adoptive parents. Many children in such a situation begin to fantasize about their origins, get carried away by some fantastic ideas about their parents, imagine them as ideal, and begin to see themselves as unjustly punished wretches, and feel sorry for themselves.

A warm emotional relationship between the child and the adoptive parent can greatly alleviate such emotional reactions of the child to the knowledge that he or she has been adopted. A younger child tolerates such knowledge more easily than an older one. If it has so far built a positive emotional relationship with the adoptive parents, it will not resent them for not being its real parents, but will continue to call them mother and father.

Among the school children we interviewed in terms of behavior, we found a number of illegitimate children. In them, mental disorders are much more common and intense than in children born in wedlock. This is understandable if we take into account that an illegitimate child is much more exposed to various emotional upheavals and negative actions than a child conceived in marriage. An illegitimate child is still an uncomfortable burden for the mother in most cases, either materially, morally, or both. Therefore, an unmarried mother usually gives it to another person for upbringing. Sometimes it is a grandmother or some other cousin, but it also happens that the mother leaves her child for a fee to strangers. Then there is the danger that the child will develop without maternal love, left to itself in a psychological sense. In that case, the disorders characteristic of upbringing without love will appear in its personality.

When a single mother marries or settles down economically, she usually takes the child with her. But now she is foreign to it and it is foreign to her. The lack of maternal love over a number of years is difficult to compensate for in later childhood. If the mother also has a child that she gave birth to in a marriage with another man, there is a danger that she will love this second child more than the first. It is understandable that the stepfather will also feel more warmth for his own than for someone else’s child. Then the illegitimate child, who has not yet fully coped with its mother, will feel rejected, unloved and superfluous. This will worsen its mental state, lead it to a neurotic reaction and to more severe behavioral disorders that sometimes lead it into delinquency.

There are cases when an unmarried mother keeps the child with her. But it often bothers her, restricts her freedom, hinders her sex life and makes it difficult for her to get married. That is why an unmarried mother is prone to impatient, irritable reactions towards the child, and even aggressive actions, all the way to extreme abuse. Feelings of guilt for being rude to a child sometimes turn into pronounced indulgence. This damages its mental development as much as the rigid educational process. There are cases when an unmarried mother surrounds her child with painful sentimentality, seeking in it the only meaning of her life, “sacrificing” for it both youth and love and all free time. It is natural that such an attitude towards it will deeply damage the child’s personality.

It is often observed that the younger of two children in a family develops mentally easier and faster than the older one. This is because the younger child identifies not only with the parents and other adult family members, but also with the older sibling. And these are a closer, a less perfect role model to the child, so the process of identification in a younger child progresses faster. The younger child also perceives the older as a competitor to be reached. That is why it needs persistent training, diligent training of abilities, gaining as much experience as possible, acquiring as many different skills as possible. All this contributes to the relatively more lively mental development of the younger child.

But for persistent competition with the older one, the younger one needs a certain self-confidence. It misses it if its parents neglect it unlike the older child or in a more or less open way show that they do not like it as much as the older child. Poor physical development or severe physical defects can also discourage and take away the motivation to compete with a much more advanced sibling. In all these cases, the younger child can be expected to react in a neurotic way. One time they will become irritable and aggressive, the second time they will turn into passivity, laziness and lack of initiative for any useful work. Or they will be prone to psychogenic disorders of physical functions in the sense that they will “escape into illness.”

The youngest child in a line of several siblings can also find itself in a specific psychological situation. If the others are older than it, especially if it is the smallest, the youngest in the family can become the darling of all its other members. Then it is cared for not only by its parents but also by all its siblings, so such a child is brought up in an extremely lenient, protective and servile way. That is why it develops into an unusually independent, incompetent and insecure person. Because it has been the center of attention of the whole family for years, it becomes extremely egocentric, capricious and inflexible.

A typical example is a 16-year-old girl who was such a spoiled child in a family of seven siblings. She was pretty, so everyone at the house cared for and spoiled her. The more affectionate she behaved, the more they spoiled her, so she began to nurture her affection to keep and make the most of her exceptional position in the family. Her reign gradually turned into coquetry, into an artificial loveliness to which the environment still pervaded, not only within the family circle but also outside it. In order to make the people around her serve her in everything, to fulfill her every wish and to relieve her of all duties, the girl tried to make herself as interesting as possible, just an unusual, unique person.

When she went to high school, her parents placed her in a student dorm in another city, because there was no such school in their place of residence. Finding herself among unknown friends, the girl was constantly inventing some fantastic stories about her origins, about her life so far, about her abilities and life plans. At the same time, she behaved so sweetly that all her friends settled down, and with them their educators. Everyone in the dorm felt sorry for her supposedly difficult fate, everyone admired her courage with which she endured the imaginary blows of life, everyone gladly listened to her sentimental lies. Enthralled by her “charm”, her friends served her diligently: one cleaned her shoes and mended her socks, the other made her bed, the third did her homework, etc. And the girl flaunted herself among them like a peacock, entertained them with jokes or sentimental stories tickled their imagination.

That is how she managed to get the same privileged and protected position in the home as she enjoyed in the family. She applied the same tactics of achieving affirmation without effort and responsibility in school. And there she tried to “charm” the teachers and get good grades from them without proper knowledge. With a few teachers, she succeeded: they fell under the suggestion of her cuteness and sentimental affectation. But two teachers, from the most difficult subjects, English and mathematics, did not allow themselves to fall for her stories. Since the girl did not have any work habits, and intelligence, quick understanding and good memory were not enough, she received constant negative grades from these subjects. Then she tried to get away with a new neurotic trick: when answering, she began to get dizzy and faint, of course of a completely psychogenic origin. By doing so, she tried to put pressure on the relentless professors and lead them to indulgence. But she failed. At the end of the school year, however, she was left with negative grades in two subjects, so she had to repeat the class. When she received her certificate, she fainted, and a little later she tried to poison herself. She did it in such a way that the suicide could not succeed. In fact, she wanted to protest in a striking, dramatic and possibly successful way against an environment that dared “to demand that she work, use her strength and solve tasks.

Such mental development leads a young person into increasingly severe neuroticism, into hysterical behavior, and sometimes it imposes psychopathic characteristics on them if they do not undergo a more correct upbringing or re-education in time. However, the position of the youngest in the family can encourage the child to behave differently. If it is not pampered, nor given privileges, the youngest child is forced to fight for prestige not only with one but with a whole range of competitors. This can encourage it to maximize the mobilization of all intellectual forces and other abilities to fight for an equal position towards its brothers and sisters. Then the youngest child uses tricks. It hides, does not show its real abilities, only to one day, when given the opportunity to do so, it shines with its intelligence, resourcefulness and skill. Such a situation in the relationship between children in the family is taken as a motive by many folk tales: “There were three brothers; two smart and the third stupid. But in the end, this “stupid” outsmarts his “smart” brothers and achieves what others could not achieve.

In the city, 17.3% of children who were an only child; 15.8% of boys and 12.9% of girls in the country. This difference between the sexes is not significant, but it still exists. Parents from rural areas will find it easier to decide on one child when they have a son, because they see the boy as the heir of their property and the bearer of their family name.

No statistically significant difference between the sexes in the frequency of only children in the city. Urban area parents are less likely to give their son an advantage over their daughter than rural area parents do. Sometimes spouses have only one child against their will, if, for example, the mother becomes infertile or the father loses the ability to fertilize.

When a child is born and the parents are not interested in the child or do not agree with each other, there is a danger that they will be unfriendly towards the child. Children descended from an unloved partner may even be abused by the parent. If the parents wanted more children, but for any reason could not have them, it is very likely that the parents will turn their grief into the ultimate care for the only child.

The only child, precisely because it is the only one and extremely spoiled, is particularly vulnerable in mental development, according to studies. Neurotic disorders and behavioral disorders are more often expected in only children than in children who have siblings. Our examination of mental disorders of school children shows that the only children show even fewer disorders in their behavior than the children who are not the only ones in the family.

Only children are mentally healthier than children who have siblings, according to a study by researchers at the University of British Columbia in Canada. They found no significant difference in the frequency of behavioral disorders in only and children with siblings in rural children. The relatively high level of education and economic development is largely due to the above-average intelligence of people who have achieved such social positions.

The relatively high standard of living of parents is often the reason they have only one child, because they want to maintain such a high standard for their child as well. A higher economic standard also brings a higher cultural standard. It stimulates the mental development of the child, stimulates its intelligence and the development of its emotional reactions. More cultured parents have a higher general education than those at a lower level of social development.

They are also more likely to seek professional help if their child is not developing properly. These are all factors that contribute to a more positive psychological development of only children.

In the countryside, different motives encourage parents to limit their reproduction to one child. These are mostly economic interests of the family and biological factors, such as inability to conceive after the birth of the first child. It is probably more common in the countryside than in the city due to the higher number of unprofessionally performed births and abortions.

Only children are on average in a slightly more favorable situation than children who have brothers and sisters, but they are still exposed to some specific dangers. When a child has no siblings, the parents are sometimes very prone to spoiling it. They are particularly motivated to do so if they had more children and died, or could not have more children due to illness, or had a child only after years of infertility.

Mothers who stayed with one child due to disagreement with their husband are also prone to spoiling the only child. Fathers who are disappointed in marriage, and in the fact that their wives no longer want to have children, are also sometimes inclined to spoil their only child.

A mature child is a child who is too serious for its age, who in its conduct imitates adults too much, repeats their statements and views of the world, and seems to have matured too soon. Proper mental development requires the company of other children. Parents often keep their only child too close to them out of fear or ignorance or out of excessive ambition for it to be brought up particularly well.

Man has a very close tendency to take away the value of what he does not know or is incomprehensible to him. The lack of exercise in adapting and cooperating with one’s peers makes it difficult for such a child to create social contact with peers. It hides its reduced ability to approach other people, to accept them and to come to terms with them under the guise of a certain contempt.

As more and more failed marriages end in divorce, and children in most cases stay with their mother after their parents’ divorce, so do more and more children end up living with their stepfather. Practice teaches us that a stepfather can be a full-fledged replacement for a father. Moreover, sometimes a stepfather is a better father in a psychological sense than a born father. In order for the stepfather to be able to create a positive emotional relationship with the stepchild, some conditions must be met. First of all, it is necessary for the stepfather to be a calm, emotionally stable person, a man of cheerful temper, and an active attitude towards life. In addition, it is necessary that he loves children, understands them and is happy to get involved. After all, this trait usually stems from the former: emotional maturity regularly contains emotional interest in children as well. But it is also necessary that the stepfather sincerely loves his wife, that is, the mother of his stepchild. It is the strongest motive that will encourage him to fall in love with her child as well. When the stepfather does not want to have a stepchild, then it is a sign that his attitude towards the woman is colored by a strong selfishness that calls into question the value and strength of his love.

A divorced mother had the opportunity to remarry, but her chosen one flatly refused to live with her 5-year-old son, even though the housing circumstances allow it. In order to achieve the marriage she wanted, the mother handed the child over to her parents for upbringing, in another place, although we advised her not to do so because the boy would become alienated from her. A year later, her father and mother died, so she had no choice but to take the child with her. But his stepfather started abusing him, so the boy developed a neurotic reaction in the form of stuttering. He explained his behavior towards his stepson by saying that the child allegedly bothered him in the intimacy with his wife. But with a little goodwill, they could arrange their sex life in such a way that the boy would not interfere with it at all. The real reason for the stepfather’s intolerance of the stepson was his excessive egocentrism, which manifested itself in a repulsive attitude towards children in general, and even in resentment towards the stepson. But neurotic selfishness radiates to all areas of life activity when shown in one. That is why his marriage was not spared from this obstacle in adaptability to other people. The woman soon began to feel that her husband was much more with her because of an instinctive lust for her than because of an emotional interest in her. She was increasingly learning that he occasionally needed her for sexual pleasure, but that as a man, as a person, he didn’t really need her. She realized that this man had never sincerely loved her, so he couldn’t love her child either.

By treating the stepchild in a paternal way, the stepfather has a double benefit. A positive emotional relationship with the child, his trust and loyalty, allow him to raise a young person properly and to avoid various troubles with the child. A stepfather, like no educator, cannot remain with the stepchild in an indifferent relationship. If it does not attract him to itself, it will repel him from itself, and thus the child will cause various behavioral disorders and neurotic reactions. Therefore, one should not refrain from tenderness towards the stepchild, nor should one be carried away by the prejudice that one should not engage too much with the child because he is not his father. When he shows love to his stepchild, the stepfather also strengthens his emotional connection with the mother. If she loves her child at all, her love for her husband will deepen when she feels that he loves him too.

The stepfather is sometimes jealous of his stepchild because he feels, or fears, that the woman loves her child more than him. Such an emotional situation in the family is proof that the marriage is not quite successful. A wife does not have to choose between husband and child; she can love them to the fullest because she loves them in different ways, with two different emotional points of view. If a child assumes the role of a husband, then it is proof that she is not happy with her husband. The husband, therefore, has a reason to be jealous, but it is not the presence of the child that is to blame, but the unhealthy emotional relationship between the wife and the husband. That is why a jealous stepfather will achieve nothing if he turns on the child. Aggressive action will only worsen his position in the family. He can get rid of jealousy towards the stepchild only if he brings in more warmth.

But even a stepfather who got married with a completely healthy attitude towards a woman and her child may encounter difficulties in relation to the stepchild. They usually occur when a woman has wrongly raised and bonded with her child before the remarriage. Then the child becomes jealous of every person towards whom the mother shows greater sympathy. Understandably, it will also be aggressive towards the man to whom its mother now devotes a portion of her time, attention and tenderness. A spoiled child feels very endangered in its position in the family if it is not always the center of attention, if it is not the only one, if there is someone else who is dear to its family.

Towards the stepfather, the jealous child becomes defiant of both him and the mother, because it is convinced that she has left it emotionally. This manifests itself in various behavioral disorders, in insolence, lying, aggression or withdrawal, depression and grumpiness, in running away from home and failing at school, or in various neurotic reactions. It doesn’t matter if the mother has really neglected her child since she remarried, or if the child is just imagining it. Crucial to the onset of jealousy is the way the child subjectively experiences his or her environment, not what is really going on in it. And the more spoiled the child is, the less able it is to objectively judge the environment’s actions towards itself.

The child’s jealousy and behavioral disorders tempt the stepfather to lose patience and to treat the stepchild cruelly. Only emotional maturity and a strong love for the mother can help him maintain his mental balance despite the challenges with the stepchild and not becoming authoritative. This is where the woman needs to intervene. Her task is to make the young person more confident in themself by gradually abandoning cuddling and systematically making the child independent. Along with the child’s growing self-confidence, its jealousy will subside, because it will no longer need it. The reorientation of the educational process will also bring her a double benefit: she will have less trouble with the child, and the husband will be relieved of the emotional burden that could jeopardize their marriage.

The behavior of a 12-year-old boy is an example of the stepchild’s severe jealousy towards his stepfather, who then feels attacked and leaves the marriage in self-defense. The woman gave her illegitimate child back in infancy to some strangers and paid for it. The boy grew up without love, he saw his mother only a few days a year, so an insurmountable longing for his mother grew stronger in him. When the woman married, the husband agreed to take the boy with him. He welcomed him in a natural way, ready to accept him as his own child. But after a few days, the boy began to show signs of fierce jealousy. He tried to keep his mother completely occupied when she was at home, and he became wary of his stepfather. When his mother objected to his intrusion, he withdrew into himself, and became depressed. His resentment toward his stepfather grew more and more. The stepfather tried to appease him, but his attempts to reconcile with the boy were unsuccessful. At the same time, the boy began to suck up to his mother, begging her not to deal with her husband, not to caress him, not to sleep with him. When the mother refused the request, the boy became defiant and impudent towards her as well. This resulted in constant conflicts between the mother and stepfather with the boy, but also in increasingly difficult quarrels between the spouses. Seeing that his mother could not be kindly separated from his stepfather, he tried to do so by force. He did not want to sleep in the evening until the couple fell asleep, and all three slept in the same room. Or he would lie down at night between his mother and stepfather, to prevent them from having intercourse. When his stepfather began to beat him for this, the boy began to lag in school; then he stopped learning altogether. And his mother treated him in a completely neurotic way: once she caressed him, cried with him and swore that she loved him infinitely, another time she scolded him with harsh words and drove him away. Finding himself in a difficult emotional conflict, the boy decided on the extreme: when one night his stepfather was not at home, he tried to have intercourse with his mother. Upon learning of this, the stepfather left the wife, and she full of anger that she had lost her husband – she beat the boy so badly that he ran away from home and completely indulged in vagrancy and theft, until he ended up in a foster home.

A child’s jealousy of the mother’s new sexual partner can be prevented if the mother tries not to make the child too dependent on herself while alone with him. At the same time, it is necessary for the “new dad” to treat him in a fatherly way from the first day of living with the child. Let him take care of the child, let him play with him, let him bring him small gifts, let him be kind, cheerful and well-meaning with him. The mother must be careful not to neglect the child. It needs to be addressed to the same extent as before. In addition, let her occasionally allow the child to participate in her tenderness towards her partner and let her emphasize their mutual emotional connection as often as possible. It is important that the child does not feel excluded from its mother’s new emotional connection. It must experience that its mother did not stop loving it when she fell in love, and that the “new dad” loves and accepts it as a real father.

Grandma is the most common and most natural substitute for the mother, especially when the mother is employed. Our examination of mental disorders in school children shows that among city children aged 6 to 15, every sixth child lives with a grandmother. Among our respondents of the same age, every fourth child lives in the village with their grandmother. There are certainly even more such cases among young and preschool children.

When the mother is employed, the grandmother often becomes as important an educator as the mother, and sometimes takes on the role of head educator. Most parents prefer to leave the child to the grandmother than to take it to a children’s institution. A grandmother is usually considered a very desirable member of the family when there is a child in the house, especially at a younger age. And yet harsh criticism is often heard at the expense of the grandmother and her actions. It is usually said that a grandmother – just like a grandfather – regularly pampers a child to the extreme, so it is very difficult for parents to deal with him and raise him in the right way. It is claimed that grandparents caress and serve the child satisfying all his whims much more often and to a much greater extent than the average parent does. It would almost be said that no grandmother is capable of raising a grandchild in a realistic way. Some go so far as to express the belief that most of the difficulties in raising children stem from the fact that they are mostly raised by grandmothers.

They all seem to be prejudices. Our examination of school children’s behavioral disorders shows that children living with a grandmother do not exhibit any more such disorders than those children living without a grandmother. This is equally true for our urban as well as for rural respondents. Moreover, rural children with a grandmother show a tendency to be less emotionally impaired than children without a grandmother, although the difference in the frequency of behavioral disorders in these two groups of our respondents is not statistically significant. But when we compared the frequency of mental disorders in urban children with a grandmother and in rural children with a grandmother, it turned out that these disorders are significantly more common in urban children. Here the difference is statistically very significant. From this we can conclude that village grandmothers are better educators than city grandmothers.

But much more important is the fact that our data allows us to free our grandmother from our prejudices in our modern environment. We are wrong to claim that grandmothers are better educators than parents, but it is certain that they are not worse either. The average grandparent (or grandfather) seems to make as many mistakes in dealing with children as parents do. Therefore, one should not hesitate to allow grandparents to participate in the upbringing of children. When parents are away from home, it is likely that the grandparents will deal with the child with more warmth and understanding than the educators in the kindergarten or kindergarten will do. However, there are also cases where the grandmother’s treatment of the grandchild is so negative that it is better to put the child in an institution than to leave it to the grandmother’s upbringing.

It is not good for grandparents to become the main educators of a child. First of all, the child needs to be most emotionally attached to the parents, because they will raise him the longest. If they bond more strongly with their grandparents and they die before the child reaches adulthood, parents will face the difficult task of taking on the role of head caregivers and have not created a strong enough emotional base in relation to the child. It will not be easy for a child to reorient himself and to continue to experience in the personalities of his parents what he experienced in the person of his grandparents.

In addition, the main educators serve the child as the most important objects of identification. Grandparents are far from the child in their mentality, they are much further from the parents, so the identification process is difficult. The faster the pace of life and social development, the greater the differences between generations– pits in views on life. Already parents and children, especially when they “grow up”, find it relatively difficult to agree on life interests and ways of valuing life; even more difficult for grandparents, on the one hand, and grandchildren on the other. Older people are much less adaptable than young people. They are conservative, persistently adhere to long-established tracks and well-known attitudes in life, and are afraid of everything new and unknown. to understand the other man and to come to terms with him.

The educator must be resilient, adaptable, with a view to the future, with a lively interest in everything new and advanced. That is why an old man on average is never as successful an educator as a middle-aged or young man. He can get closer to the child, understand him more easily, get along with him more fully. This is why it is easier for the average parent to raise a child in the right way than the average grandparent. Therefore, children should not be allowed to be left entirely to the upbringing of the elderly. When they are free from work, parents should deal with their children as much as possible, persistently maintaining the position of the main educators in the family.

Theoretically, one might expect grandparents to raise their grandchildren more successfully than parents do because they have gained extensive experience raising their own children. Yet grandparents make more or less the same mistakes in raising children as parents. This is primarily because the attitude of the educator towards the child is only partly a consequence of knowledge or ignorance. that is, greater or lesser experience. The treatment of adults with children is much more an expression of the structure of the personality and its general life orientation. And the traits that one exhibited in adulthood remain largely the same in old age; moreover, various weaknesses and negative character traits usually intensify in old age. So if someone as a parent has expressed unhealthy emotional attitudes toward their child, they are unlikely to correct them later. They are likely to raise their grandchildren in the same or even more wrong way.

It is true that a parent gains experience in raising a child over time. But people differ a lot in how much they are able to learn from their experience. A mature and healthy person uses experience to constantly refine their behavior. However, the less neurotic personalities use their experience, the sicker their life attitudes are, because they are rigid and inflexible. There are many neurotics among parents; they usually remain so in old age.

Grandparents differ from parents in that they are motivated to make mistakes in raising their grandchildren. An old man, who has ended his life’s career, who has nothing to hope for in his vocation, social status, economic standard or sexual life, is often disappointed in life. Many of his desires remained unfulfilled, various ambitions did not come true, perhaps some basic emotional needs were not satisfied by his life. That is why an old man sometimes has a feeling of bitterness that can encourage him to give his grandchildren, these future people, what his life has denied him, and that is the complete satisfaction of all needs. With such an affective attitude towards children, the old man is very inclined to pamper his grandchild to the extreme, satisfying his every whim, in order to secure him a “beautiful and carefree childhood.”

Grandchildren and other motives encourage grandchildren to over-pamper. They often feel superfluous in the family, along with their adult children. Young people have taken their own path in life, which is quite different from that of the older generation or is even completely opposite to it. They are independent of the old in every way, they don’t need them anymore, so they don’t take their advice or listen to their suggestions either. The disappearance of the patriarchal family reduces the authority of the parents, so this completely disappears when the children grow up. That is why the opinion of grandparents on any issue is no longer taken into account. The orientation of the modern household to social assistance, the establishment of an increasing number of institutions for children and the opening of household services reduces the assistance of the elderly in the household. Or running a household and babysitting is what the elderly are still considered capable of, although otherwise their life views and needs are no longer taken seriously.

In such a life situation, the old man often feels pushed into a corner, emotionally rejected, interesting to no one. And yet in him still lives the basic psychological need of every man – the need to affirm his personality, to experience his value. From this emotional conflict, grandparents usually look for a way out in relation to their grandchildren. When they have become unnecessary to their own children, they try to be at least needed by their grandchild for as long as possible. Then, by cuddling, serving, sometimes by servile behavior, the grandchildren try to bond with each other as much as possible. Depending on the child’s dependence on them, his lack of independence and the need to constantly seek help, grandparents find satisfaction for their sense of neglect in the family.

How many times grandparents abuse their grandchildren as a means of defying their parents. When parents try to be consistent in their treatment of a child, when they scold him or defend him, the elderly often act in the opposite way. They take the child into protection from parental reprimands, allow him what the parents have just forbidden, do for him what the parents demanded of the child, or convince the child that his behavior is right and the parents have done wrong. Of course, in this way, grandparents undermine the authority of the parents and make it much more difficult to raise the child. And they unknowingly want to achieve that in order to take revenge on them for their neglect or for the loss of power in the family.

Such an action of the old causes conflict with the young. They explain themselves in front of the child about educational methods, accuse each other of mistakes, quarrel and insult, and this destroys the authority in both eyes of the child. It becomes insecure, loses confidence in its educators and becomes opportunistic towards them. This means that in every situation he leans towards the educator who is currently giving in to a greater extent or satisfying a wish. In the next hour, he will, without hesitation, lean towards the other if it suits him better. And he does not love or appreciate any of them too much, but tries to use them as much as possible in order to satisfy his egocentric aspirations.

Such an educational situation seriously damages the child’s personality because it cultivates his selfishness, hinders him in developing sociality, but also in gaining self-confidence, and brings him into emotional conflicts that motivate him to react neurotically. Therefore, for the proper development of a child’s personality, it is absolutely necessary for young parents to separate from their old ones, to live separately, in order to prevent the opposite actions with the child, ie the negative influence of grandparents on the child. Since the old and young generation of adults find it increasingly difficult to communicate in all matters of life, including the upbringing of children, it is useful for a young married couple to live separately from their parents. In this way, not only difficulties in raising children can be prevented, but also various marital quarrels that occur when the elderly begin to interfere in the marriage of the young.

Life’s disappointment and dissatisfaction with one’s position in the family does not always make grandparents sentimental, extremely lenient and inconsistent in dealing with children. Sometimes they become irritable, impatient and aggressive. Then they are prone to overly strict upbringing of grandchildren, impatient reactions and authoritative procedure. Contributing to this is the fact that the old man used to, while in the position of mother or father of the family, used to command and impose his will on everyone. When such an authoritative person finds himself in the role of a minor member of the family, he feels like an overthrown ruler who is trying hard to return to his privileged position. Since the elderly no longer manage to regain control of their own children who have gotten out from under their rule, they try to control it at least for their grandchildren. This motivates them to authoritative behavior.

If an old man at a younger age did not love his own child, if he treated him in an emotionally cold way, it is unlikely that he will sincerely love the child of his offspring. He is much more likely to be treated in a repulsive manner as well. Therefore, grandparents sometimes make the third educational mistake that is encountered in the attitude of some parents towards children. It is an upbringing without love.

Age brings generally reduced elasticity of man. Therefore, in advanced years man becomes more difficult to adapt; his attitudes become more and more rigid, less and less can be changed, so man behaves more and more automatically, precisely stereotypically, regardless of the current situation that provokes his reaction. This is the reason why grandparents find it increasingly difficult to adapt their actions with the child to his needs as they get older. They are even less able to change their views on raising children in anything. They are almost inaccessible to advice, are very reluctant to correct their actions and find it difficult to be taught. These are all reasons why grandparents should, on average, be considered less suitable than parents for raising children.

Sometimes it is heard that the development of an advanced society will inevitably bring about the limitation of the future family to the mother and her children. According to that opinion, the father will become a transient member of the family that will have no greater significance for their life, or will never be included in it.

It seems to us that this should not be the case. The father is not an unimportant member of the family and his role in family life, and especially in the upbringing of children, should not be underestimated. A family without a father is truncated, so we should not aspire to this type of family.

The basic role of the father in shaping a young person is primarily of an indirect nature. A mother’s happiness in marriage and in life, in general, depends a lot on how her husband behaves. The father indirectly influences the mental development of his children by allowing the mother to treat the children constructively or keeping her in chronic mental tension.

By approving and supporting a woman’s parenting methods, the husband gives her emotional support in the upbringing. He encourages her to be patient, consistent, and adaptable, and raises her authority over the children. Children in such a situation emotionally turn against him, so he often achieves just the opposite of what he wants.

A woman is by nature more conservative than a man and more stable in emotional relationships. It is unnatural for a woman to limit the family to her and her children. Children by themselves cannot fully fulfill it emotionally; she needs a husband with whom she will be happy. And it can’t be a transient sexual partner.

When there is no father, there is a danger that the process of identification takes place in the child in an incomplete and one-sided way. Only a woman and a man together make a person, so for a child only a parental couple is a complete, full-fledged object of identification.

A girl who is without a father usually does not have enough opportunity to adapt to the representative of mature masculinity. This can make her too timid and insecure towards men. Such an attitude towards the opposite sex makes it difficult for her to adjust emotionally and sexually to her sexual partner.

When the father and mother live together, the children have the opportunity to gain experience about conflicts and marriage. They are, however, often negative; in which case it’s better that the child is not with both parents. But from a happy parental marriage, a child can learn a lot of positive things, which will help it to cope successfully in its own sexual life.

Many fathers suffer from the prejudice that caring for a small child is the sole concern of the mother. Mothers often hold this view, or, when they feel neglected by their husbands, they jealously guard their motherhood monopoly. Sometimes there are fathers who declare that they are disgusted with their child while it is in diapers.

A father can have a positive effect on the formation of a child’s personality only if he builds a relationship of trust, understanding and emotional intimacy with it from day one. There is no objective reason for a father not to be able to bathe, change clothes and feed a small child when the mother is no longer breastfeeding it.

A father’s physical engagement with his child does not only mean helping the mother, but also contributes to the strengthening of a positive emotional relationship between spouses. By gaining trust and love from the child, the father builds his authority before it. Later, it will serve him well as a basis for a positive impact on the child and for managing its behavior.

When you live in contact with someone for a long time, an emotional relationship is inevitably built. It is impossible for two people in constant contact to remain completely indifferent to each other. Many of the difficult conflicts between father and children are caused because the father has failed to build a close emotional relationship with the child.

As a child grows, so do the demands of its educators. It is much more difficult to properly raise an older child to whom the educator is not accustomed to. If they gain experience in working with a child at an earlier stage of its development, it will not be difficult for them to cope with the next stage.

What a father can do to damage his child’s mental development is primarily insufficient paternal love. It is most often manifested by the already mentioned neglect of the child, insufficient care for it, leaving the upbringing to the mother. Such distancing from the child the father most often combines with authoritative action.

Authoritarian upbringing and physical abuse of children is a very negative upbringing method. The father as the executor of the punishment of the child greatly damages his authority. It is understandable that a father cannot raise his child properly because instead of a relationship of trust and love he leads a struggle for supremacy with it.

A negative attitude towards a child is sometimes manifested in the fact that he does not want to have a child. This is usually due to fear that the woman might leave him. In a happy marriage, the husband will not do such a thing. If he forces a woman to live in an unhappy marriage, he commits a crime both against her and against her children.

There are many reasons why a father is not more emotionally interested in a child. The average man falls in love with his child indirectly, ie through a good emotional connection with a woman. Such cases are relatively rare. It is more common for emotional aversion towards a woman to provoke emotional distancing from the child as well.

Schizophrenic men who are emotionally timid, difficult to access and withdrawn in social contact should not be expected to show true love for their child. Such people cannot be emotionally warm to anyone satisfactorily, so they cannot be warm to their own child. Even a mother with such qualities cannot be full-fledged.

A common motive for a father’s weak emotional connection to a child is the father’s dissatisfaction with the marriage. Alcoholics are particularly prone to this, and marital dissatisfaction is a common reason for neurotic men to indulge in passionate alcohol consumption. In such a case, one should be afraid of the dad’s impatience and irritability towards the child.

“Jealousy can force the father to be aggressive towards the child or to incite it against the mother, or to treat it in the opposite way than she does,” writes Frida Ghitis. In this case, the father treats the child in a way that tries to distance it emotionally from the mother and cause her as many educational difficulties as possible.

In a disordered marriage, sometimes the father tries to tie the child too tightly to himself. This creates an unhealthy emotional relationship between the child and the parent from the other camp. In such a situation, the siblings become envious of each other and jealous of “their” parent.

With “dividing children”, each parent gives priority to the child they have chosen in their procedure. Then the other child feels neglected, which deepens its jealousy of its brother ot sister. If such relationships continue throughout the child’s developmental age, it is very likely that jealousy, envy, intolerance, aggression, and feelings of inferiority will remain permanent traits.

The sex of the child is most often taken into account; the father usually ties the boy to himself, and the mother more often opts for the daughter. A significant reason for tying a child to himself is hidden in the similarity of that child with his parents.

Neurotic, sexually disordered and maritally dissatisfied fathers sometimes bond with their daughter in a sick way. The motives are analogous to those encountered in a mother’s attitude toward her son whom she emotionally fixes on herself. Such a father caresses his daughter conspicuously; he satisfies her every whim, and showers her with tenderness.

By nature, passive fathers who are erotically attached to their daughter are usually limited from the extreme cuddling of their child. In doing so, they find a certain affirmation of their personality, as well as their masculinity. That is why it is difficult to bring them to the realization that their child is developing into a sick personality.

Fathers with a more active and enterprising nature express their covert erotic interest in their daughter differently. They usually hold her, but not as much as more passive fathers. Instead of completely submitting to her will, they try to take control of her personality. At the same time, they are often intrusive and even aggressive.

When the father does not turn his erotic interest in the daughter into aggression, the girl also has difficulty approaching men. She looks for her father’s qualities in a man, she expects from him a paternal relationship with herself. It is very likely that her adaptation to her partner will be difficult, so she will stay cold in sexual contact with him.

The loss of a father, due to death or divorce, brings different consequences to the child. It is useful for the child to receive a replacement for the father. But only on the condition that the mother has found a good spouse with whom she will be able to live in a happy marriage.

There is no doubt that a child needs a father; but it needs a good father who is a healthy person and who loves children. If a child cannot find such a person in his own father, it can find it in another man, that is, in another husband of its mother.

Hospitalism is a disorder of the child’s psyche that results from the loss of the mother as well as the physical and emotional abuse suffered by the child.

Psychologist Bakwin H. R.’s: “Behavior disorders in children research” shows that newborns under 6 months of age who have been in an institution for some time show a characteristic picture of apathy, weight loss and pallor. Children do not respond to stimuli such as smiling and beating, are indifferent to food and do not gain weight.

The longer a child is separated from the mother, the more he or she lags behind in physical and mental development. This refers to the regression (return) of the child to an earlier stage of psychophysical development. The child is less and less active, stares blankly into space, loses its appetite and often suffers from insomnia.

It is an emotional state that Spitz R. A., Wolf K. M.: Anaclitic depression; an inquiry into the genesis of psychiatric conditions in early childhood call anaclitic depression. It is characteristic of older infants who in the first months of life lived in a good emotional relationship with the mother and then were abruptly separated from the mother without receiving an adequate replacement for her. If the mother did not show much emotional warmth towards the child, she will not cause signs of hospitalization before being placed in a hospital or home. But this is not a sign that such a child is resistant to harmful factors but rather proof that it is already emotionally damaged.

Anaclitic depression is an emotional state characteristic of older infants who have been separated from their mother early in life. If the mother did not show much emotional warmth towards the child, she will not cause signs of hospitalization before being placed in a hospital or home. This is because such a child is already emotionally damaged.

During the second and third years of life, the child reacts strongly to being separated from its mother. It is very upset and cries incessantly for several days, often rudely refusing to approach its mother’s replacement. After a few days it falls into apathy and only gradually returns to a normal mood.

In children who lived in an emotionally disinterested environment before arriving at the hospital, no symptoms of hospitalism were observed. These are children with a sensitivity deficit which will hamper their character maturation. Young children who cry painfully when separated from their mothers should not be considered “spoiled”.

Signs of hospitalism can remain even when the child returns to the mother, Drs. Burlingam and A. Freud say.

1. The child treats the mother in a hostile manner;
2. The child makes excessive demands of the mother, would like to have her exclusively for itself, and reacts to any scolding with fierce anger and jealousy;
3. The child shows a cheerful but superficial attachment to every adult who is with it;
4. The child apathetically withdraws from all emotional connections, and sometimes indulges in a monotonous swaying of the body or nodding its head.

When a child is separated from its mother, it often behaves like an infant and is timid and gets angry easily. If the parents react reasonably to these disorders in the child’s behavior, if they ignore its outbursts and calm them down, the child will soon establish an emotional balance. But there are parents who do not understand the essence of a child’s reaction to separation, so they scold it, warn it and punish it.

Between the ages of three and five, the child is still quite sensitive to separation from the mother, but significantly less than at an earlier age. In this period of their lives, children no longer live exclusively in the present, so they can imagine a time when they will return to their mothers. Before the age of three, most children are not capable of this.

After the age of five, sensitivity of children to separation from their mothers decreases even more. Many children are not quite able to adapt to the temporary loss of their mother’s presence until they are seven or eight. An emotionally balanced child can, at that age be safely separated from the mother for a while without danger. On the contrary, a neurotic child will respond to such separation with even deeper emotional difficulties.

The consequences of the permanent loss of the mother due to her death or divorce with the assignment of the child to the father, depend on what kind of replacement it received for the mother. Fathers who have lost their wives for any reason, and are still young, usually remarry in a short time. That is why a stepmother is the most common substitute for a mother. If the father does not remarry, the child is regularly accepted by another woman in the family, grandmother, aunt, older sister, etc. It is very rare that the father does not have the opportunity to entrust the child to someone in the family, so he is forced to place it in an orphanage or kindergarten.

Fathers who have lost their wives for any reason, and are still young, usually remarry in a short time. Stepmother is the most common substitute for a mother. It is very rare that the father does not have the opportunity to entrust the child to someone in the family.

In today’s society, blended families are becoming more and more common, and stepmothers and stepchildren are a significant part of these families. The relationship between a stepmother and stepchild can be complex and challenging, but it can also be rewarding and fulfilling.

Lets explore the role of the stepmother in the family, the challenges she faces, and the ways she can build a positive relationship with her stepchild. We will also look at some practical tips for stepmothers to help them navigate this unique family dynamic.

Understanding the Stepfamily Dynamic

1. What is a Stepfamily?

A stepfamily is a family in which one or both of the parents have children from a previous relationship. When these two families come together, it creates a new family dynamic with unique challenges and opportunities. One of the most critical factors in the success of a stepfamily is the relationship between the stepmother and stepchild.

2. What is the Role of the Stepmother?

The role of the stepmother can vary depending on the age of the children, the relationship between the biological parents, and the family’s cultural background. However, some common expectations for a stepmother may include:

• Providing emotional support to the children
• Helping with household chores and responsibilities
• Setting boundaries and rules for the children
• Navigating the relationship between the children and their biological mother
• Supporting and communicating with their partner (the children’s father)

3. What are the Challenges Faced by Stepfamilies?

Blended families face unique challenges that can make it difficult for everyone to adjust to the new family dynamic. Some of the most common challenges include:

• Loyalty conflicts: Children may feel torn between their biological parents and may struggle to form a bond with their stepmother.
• Role ambiguity: Stepmothers may struggle to find their place in the family and may feel like they are not sure what their role is.
• Different parenting styles: The biological mother and father may have different parenting styles, which can cause tension in the family.
• Ex-partner conflict: The relationship between the biological parents can be complicated, especially if there is still resentment or unresolved issues.

Building a Positive Relationship with Your Stepchild

4. Be Patient and Respectful

Building a relationship with your stepchild takes time, and it’s essential to be patient and respectful throughout the process. Remember that your stepchild may feel hesitant or guarded around you, and it may take time for them to feel comfortable around you. Be respectful of their feelings and boundaries, and don’t force them to spend time with you if they are not ready.

5. Find Common Interests

One way to build a bond with your stepchild is to find common interests that you can share. This could be anything from a hobby or activity to a favorite book or movie. Finding things that you both enjoy can help break down barriers and create a connection between you.

6. Show Interest in Their Lives

Showing an interest in your stepchild’s life can help them feel valued and appreciated. Ask them about their day, their hobbies, and their friends, and listen attentively to their responses. Showing a genuine interest in their lives can help build trust and create a deeper bond between you.

7. Be a Good Listener

Being a good listener is essential when building a relationship with your stepchild. Listen to their concerns and feelings without judgment, and validate their emotions. Let them know that you are there for them and that you care about their well-being.

8. Respect Their Relationship with Their Biological Mother

It’s essential to respect your stepchild’s relationship with their biological mother, even if it’s a difficult relationship. Avoid speaking negatively about the biological mother in front of your stepchild and support your stepchild’s relationship with her. Remember that your stepchild’s loyalty may be divided, and it’s not fair to put them in the middle of any conflicts.

9. Don’t Try to Replace Their Biological Mother

As a stepmother, it’s important to remember that you are not trying to replace your stepchild’s biological mother. Even if the biological mother is absent or not involved, it’s not your role to take her place. Instead, focus on building a positive relationship with your stepchild based on mutual respect and trust.

10. Set Realistic Expectations

Finally, it’s important to set realistic expectations for your relationship with your stepchild. Building a relationship takes time and effort, and it’s not something that will happen overnight. Don’t expect your stepchild to immediately accept you as a parent figure, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make things perfect. Focus on building a positive relationship one step at a time, and be patient with the process.

Coping with Challenges

11. Seek Support

If you’re struggling with the challenges of being a stepmother, it’s important to seek support. This could be from a therapist, a support group, or trusted friends and family members. Talking through your feelings and experiences can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies.

12. Practice Self-Care

Taking care of yourself is essential when dealing with the challenges of being a stepmother. Make sure you’re getting enough rest, eating a healthy diet, and taking time for yourself to do things you enjoy. Self-care can help you manage stress and stay balanced, which is essential when navigating a complex family dynamic.

13. Communicate with Your Partner

Open communication with your partner is key when dealing with the challenges of being a stepmother. Make sure you’re both on the same page about your roles and responsibilities, and discuss any issues that arise in a calm and respectful manner. Keeping the lines of communication open can help you work through any challenges together.

14. Practice Patience and Understanding

Dealing with loyalty conflicts, role ambiguity, and other challenges can be frustrating and stressful. However, it’s important to practice patience and understanding throughout the process. Remember that building a positive relationship with your stepchild takes time, and there will be bumps in the road along the way. Stay committed to the process and keep a positive attitude.

15. Focus on the Positive

Finally, it’s important to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your stepchild. Celebrate the small victories, such as when your stepchild confides in you or seeks your advice. Remind yourself of the good times you’ve shared, and focus on building more positive memories together. Keeping a positive outlook can help you stay motivated and committed to your relationship with your stepchild.

Conclusion

Being a stepmother can be challenging, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. By understanding the stepfamily dynamic, building a positive relationship with your stepchild, and coping with challenges, you can navigate this unique family dynamic with grace and resilience. Remember that building a relationship takes time and effort, but it’s worth it to create a strong, loving family bond that will last a lifetime.

In modern social relations, the problem of the motherhood of a working woman is often raised. Working outside the home distracts the mother from the child and forces her to leave her child in the care of another person for part of the day. The fact that the mother’s presence is unusually important for the proper psychological development of the child leads to the conclusion that a woman who is the mother of a small child should not be employed.

After infancy, the child no longer needs to physically experience its mother, but it still needs to feel a maternal relationship towards itself. The mother can be away from home for a few hours a day, but only if she has found a suitable replacement for herself. Another person is capable of this, such as a grandmother or a third party, if they are a healthy, emotionally settled person who knows how to treat the child in a natural way.

It is wrong to think that caring for a small child can be entrusted to anyone, such as an elderly person who can no longer do anything else, except to look after a child. A child is not an object or animal to look out for, but a subject who actively experiences its environment, so an active attitude of the environment towards it is needed as well. A small child needs to be dealt with in a positive way and that can only be done by someone who can properly play the motherly role.

Motherhood in the first two years of a child’s life should be recognized as a full-time job for which the mother would receive the same reward as if she were working in her job. This does not mean that the mother should completely abandon her real job for two years. After stopping breastfeeding, she could return to work, but with reduced working hours, so that the child would not be without her for too long.

In the preschool period, the mother’s employment outside the home cannot impair the child’s psychological development. Urban school-age children whose mothers are employed show fewer mental disorders. In the countryside, our respondents were equally prone to mental disabilities, regardless of whether their mother was employed or not.

Children of mothers who are employed outside the home do not suffer from maladaptation, according to T. Moore: their personality is more expressive. They are more balanced, they have more confidence in themselves. In other countries (France, Denmark, Austria, USA) it was concluded that the employment of a mother outside the house has a positive effect on the mental development of children.

An employed woman feels more equal with her husband than a woman whose activity is limited to housework. It has a beneficial effect on her mental state, making her calmer, happier and more cheerful. In such a mood, the mother can treat her child in a more calm way and direct its development in a healthier direction. A woman’s sense of neglect towards her husband also damages her sex life.

Since she is the most important of all the people who influence the shaping of a child’s personality, that child is particularly sensitive to its mother’s actions. The educational mistakes made by other educators do not leave in its personality as profound damage as the educational delusions of its mother.

Other influences on the child may to some extent correct a number of parenting mistakes that the mother may make. When a child comes in contact with more educators and with different environments, it becomes more independent and gains more confidence in itself. These are all processes in the child’s psyche that make it healthier and more resilient. Such an educational procedure inhibits the emotional maturation of the child.

A mother’s employment outside the home can be detrimental to the child’s psychological development if, in addition to her job, she is equally burdened by the household. It makes her dissatisfied, irritable, grumpy or aggressive, and takes this mental tension out on the children as well, so she inevitably turns into a bad educator. But its overload is usually not only due to employment but on the one hand, it is the insufficient development of institutions and services to help households.

Men need to be trained to realistically accept a woman’s equality and to put it into reality in their private lives. Knowing that her husband considers her equal and that he cooperates with her in the household will fill her with pleasure that will prevent the occurrence of any neurotic disorders in her behavior. Then it won’t matter how many women work in their household when they return from work.